Thoughts From the Dirty City

Being born and raised in Akron, Ohio, the birth place of the cheeseburger (or so some say) I feel it is my obligation to breakdown what I know of the local burger fare. Not that I have tried every burger in town. Not even close. But I think I’ve hit most of the major ones. There is one or two that are still on my list…but for now, this is where I stand on burgers.

For me there are two basic types of burgers out there: the fast food variety, and the genuine “hey this is meat!” variety. Not that I think the more meaty is necessarily better. It’s just different. Both can be great or tragic depending. I’m not going to get into the specifics of what makes a burger great, go visit one of the magillion hipster foodie blogs out there if that is your bag. I will say there are a few key factors: bun, meat and cheese. That is all. Everything else is gratis. And gratis is great, especially in the form of saltyness.

Now then, I’ll start with the fancy foodie variety burgers. There are a BUNCH of these out there now. It seems like every restaurant in the universe has discovered if you put a fried egg on a burger you can charge ten bucks for it a la cart. With this in mind, I’m only going to talk about two such establishments here.

The first is the very popular and highly hipster friendly B-Spot.
Décor -  Nice and shiny. The only weirdness came from the fact that it was directly tied into the mall. It gave the one wall a very “food court friendly” vibe that wasn’t rockin in any other part of the establishment.

Food – I’m going to give it a full on “meh.” With a bonus thumbs up for a pickle bar. Man, I do love me some pickles.

Granted, I only ate there once. But in my defense I ordered a burger with salami on it and the salami was cold. WTF is that?! You don’t put cold meat on a burger, it’s just mean.

I also had the chips. They were good but the dip was way too salty. I love salt. I’ve been known to eat just salt as a side dish. And this was a tad salty, even for me. So be warned.

Drink – I skipped the adult beverages, but they do serve up milkshakes loaded with booze. How do you not love that?! (Personally – I like a few drinks and no desert, but that’s me) The beer menu was impressive, but they served the Beast in a can and charged more than a dollar for it. Fucking hipsters.

Second up is Pub Bricco.
This is an Akron (Cuyahoga Valley area) joint and sort of sister spot to the downtown Bricco. Personally, I liked it better than its more polished downtown counterpoint. But again, that’s me. I’m a jeans and t-shirt, beer in a can kind of bitch.

Décor – I ate outside so this isn’t a concrete opinion. I really only saw the joint as we walked through. The inside seemed nice, with a very modern, but laid back feel.
The patio was nice, with a view of the Valley and some street. I could tell it was set up to be super decked out at night. There were all kinds of funky lights strung up all over the place.
So yeah, the decor….it was okay. Nothing massively memorable aside from being nice.

Food – Yum city here folks. The menu is set up a bit different. You pick your protein (beef, chicken or salmon.) Then you pick the way it is served up.
I got a burger with a fried egg on a bagel. I thought the fried egg on a bagel would be a big mess and impossible to eat, but it was AMAZING. The egg smashed just right soaking into the bagel and not pouring all down my arm. And the chewy, salty meaty combo was delicious.

Drink – the martini gods of yesteryear are still doling out their blessings. Pomegranate Cosmopolitan. It was a bit on the sweet side, but seriously tasty. I know cause I had a few, just to be certain. (I know martini’s stopped being trendy forever ago. I don’t care. They are good and they take the edge off a long day of bitching. Sometimes baby needs a real drink.)

I know there are a million other ways and places to have a trendy burger – those are just the two I have taken notice of. If there are others that are better, please do tell!

But leaving it at that would be doing the burger world a serious injustice. Because as good as the trendy towers of beef may be, they don’t really resonate what most people are talking about when they say they want a burger. Most people are talking about the extra cheesy, extra salty, semi squished variety that is generally ordered from the inside of your car.

Mmmmmm. Take out.

Don’t even attempt to get on your holy horse and say “ew gross I would never.” Cause you do, and you like it.  Maybe not McD’s or Burger King, and that’s understandable. But there is at least one fast food joint out there that has your number. For me, it’s Swensons. All. The. Way.

Aside from the wide variety of tasty fried side orders (mushrooms, zucchini, and onion rings…oh my) they also have a mix and match milk shake menu! But even without all that, Swenson’s will always own the Burger world of my heart for one reason, the galley boy. Loaded with bbq and tarter sauce and god only knows what, the galley boy is the messiest and the most delicious double patty on the planet.

There is one other, larger, and much less interesting category of burger joint: every diner and eatery on the planet. There are too many to think about, let alone list. But I do feel a need to mention one. The Winder Pub is an Akron icon.

I have been going there for years. It isn’t the kind of place you brag about. It’s basically a beat up old dive bar. But the burgers are seriously good eats, and the prices are just insane. (Two people can eat and drink till they can barely move and spend less than $40.) However, any time I happen to mention the spot, everyone in Akron knows what I’m talking about. When you go, I recommend the Rocket Burger. It’s loaded with salami (heated up and made crispy – thank you) and banana pepper and all kinds of yummy spicy goodness. And while your there, you might as well have a couple pints of Labatt and some wings. Cause that is how you roll at the Windsor Pub.

So, what am I leaving out? What burger out there in the NEO area MUST I try?

PS

I’ve heard Dilly’s blows Swenson’s outta the water, but I’ve yet to try it so I can’t really say. Though I admit I am very doubtful.

Also – Menches. I know. It’s on the list.

Very much looking forward to the McQueen show!!