It’s easy to get bogged down in the muck of everyday life. Especially in late January in NEO. The world is gray and covered in grimy salt lick. When the sun makes a rare appearance it gives no warmth. High noon tends to look more like dusk. It’s not hard to see why this time of year has more suicides than any other.

But rather than spend another day moping around waiting for spring I’m going to try to focus on the little things that make the day a bit brighter. There are always little things to smile about. Right?

So here goes, a few things that aren’t covered in road salt:

A good night sleep. Somehow it’s easier for me to sleep in the winter. I imagine it has a lot to do with how early the sun goes down.

Saying no to the cookies and yes to the gym. Doing things that are good for you aren’t always easy, but they do tend to be more rewarding in the long run.

Coffee. As long as there is coffee, the morning can’t be ALL bad.

Home cooked meals. It’s easier to use the stove and the oven when it isn’t already 90 degrees in your kitchen.

Kids cereal. Mock all you want, Cookie Crisp is feckin tasty…and it’s made with whole grains so it isn’t all bad. Yeah, I know. But it’s better than a fast food breakfast sandwich.

A lighter work load. For me anyway. I still have a bunch of work to do, but this is the slower time of the year here in the office. It’s nice to be able to breathe a bit and get things done without panic.

Thick wool socks. This is the only time of year you can wear them to the office and still feel appropriate.

Trips to the zoo. Most people think the zoo is just for summer. But really, winter is an awesome time for a visit. The indoor exhibits are nice and toasty and there is rarely a crowd. Also, the Akron zoo lets you feed the penguins in the winter for a very small fee. (OMG they are so freakin cute and they totally know what is up when you walk up to the glass holding the paper cone)

The lake finally freezing over. I read yesterday that Lake Erie finally froze over. (Insert joke about hell freezing over here.) Hopefully this will mean the lake effect snow is done for the season.

The list could go on and on. Thankfully there is a whole lot of little things to smile about. It just takes a little bit of looking.
In any case, it’s a much better train of thought to start the day with than sighing with resignation at the salt stains on the hem of my pants.

PS – winter is still an asshole.

There are days when things go horribly, horribly wrong. Days when the stars align and the earth splits open and swallows you whole with the horrible, no good, very bad things that happen.

Those days hurt.

Obviously.

But sometimes, nothing goes horribly wrong.  The world spins as it should and gravity seems to hold you precisely where you belong. And out of no where and with no warning the earth splits and swallows you whole just the same.The tiniest flutter of fate and everything is knocked hopelessly off course.

It’s a like a power outage.

It takes you by surprise.

Shakes you down and momentarily immobilizes you.

And gives you no real answer as to how to fix it. Because to all intents and purposes there is nothing wrong. You look hard at every detail, but the only broken pieces have been long broken.  Nothing has really gone a miss. Nothing has altered in any tangible way. And since nothing has actually gone wrong, the only logical assumption is that EVERYTHING is wrong.
(logic in the midst of a minor depression isn’t reliable – fyi)

But the day still hurts.

I’m having one of the second type of days. Nothing has gone wrong, and yet I feel stuck in the throws of an emotional collapse with no real recourse. I felt it coming on yesterday. Convinced myself it was just fatigue. But there it was this morning the moment I opened my eyes.

I’ve had days like this before. Days where everything seems hopeless, hapless, worthless…pretty much “less” in every way imaginable. So I know that this feeling is fleeting. I know it will pass as quickly as it set in. Maybe even quicker. The clouds will part, my lungs will fill up and everything will be as it was. Gravity will find me. I just need to breath and hold myself to the ground until it does.

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Feelings are tricky for me. I don’t like feeling them, and I like discussing them even less. This was really REALLY hard for me to write. But I’m trying. Trying to be a bit more open. A bit more “in touch” with my emotions and a bit less reluctant to share.

Also – My next post needs to be written when I’m in a good mood. I’m not always so doom and gloom. At least, I don’t think I am….

Oh winter, you have barely just arrived and I’m already counting down the days till you leave. You are like the bad house guest that drinks all the wine and leaves the toilet seat up. It’s expected, but unpleasant all the same.

My commute in to work this morning was total crap. The roads were clear and it wasn’t snowing, but winter ruined it anyway.

There are certain preparations that one must take before hitting the road in winter; warming up the car, clearing off the snow and ice, making sure your windshield wipers aren’t caked in ice, and also, picking the snow out of the windshield washer fluid thingies on the hood. All small simple tasks, but forget one and you will regret it.

This morning I forgot one and spent the entire drive unable to wash my windshield of slush and salt. It isn’t the worst thing in the word. You sidle up to some passing semis to get enough ick on your car so the windshield wipers can do their thing. And there is usually at least one spot you can see through if you tilt and perch a bit. So really, not all that big a deal. But yeah, annoying.

I know what you are thinking. Why didn’t I just pull over and fix it? Because I’m lazy…especially at 7 a.m. Besides, I made it to work just fine aside from being irritable.

This is where the story takes a bit of a turn.

After I parked my car and geared up with my bag and travel mug, I locked the car door and slammed it shut with the hem of my coat still unfortunately inside the car. Normally this would be no big deal. Unlock the door, remove coat, proceed with day. But when the lock on the driver side door is broken and can’t be unlocked from the outside, it presents a bit of a problem.

So I took my coat off and let it fall to the disgusting salt and sludge covered parking lot and walked around to the other side of the car to unlock the door. While doing this (and freezing my ass off in the process) another car pulled in beside mine running over the bit of my coat that was on the ground.

This is my life.

In the end, me, my car and my coat all made it in to the office on time today. If only a bit worse for the wear.

The moral of my story: being lazy inevitably just ends up making more work. Also, I’m done with winter now.

I’ve started this post a few times, not quite knowing where to begin.

There was a time in my life where I had a very clear and defined sense of personal style. Getting dressed in the morning wasn’t a chore. The more time I spent putting an outfit together the better I felt all day. I had a sense of confidence in how I looked and what I wore. Even if it did get some stares and more than a little mockery from fellow classmates. And that really is what having a sense of style is all about. Being confident no matter what other people might think.

At some point though, and I can’t remember exactly when, I seemed to have lost that entirely. These days I dress more to cover my bits and be appropriate than anything else.

I got a necklace for Christmas this year with implicit instructions to return it if I didn’t like it. When I showed it to a friend they smiled and said “you aren’t going to return it are you?” Of course I wasn’t going to return it. But every time I looked at it I wondered if it was really “me.” Is a silver peace sign reflective of my personal style? At one point in my life it would have absolutely been a perfect reflection of my style. But now? I wasn’t sure.

And then something hit me. I realized I wasn’t so concerned about figuring out if I liked it or not as much as I was trying to figure out if that is how people saw me. The realization pissed me off so much that I instantly put the necklace on and haven’t gone a day without wearing it since. When the hell did other people’s opinions become more important to me than my own?

If me 10-15 years ago would have heard the internal dialogue going on inside my head in that moment I would have punched myself in the face.

How did this happen?

Is it just a part of getting older?

Is it just that I am far more self conscious than I used to be?

Is it because of the weight gain?

Ugh. No more. I know that I am not the same person I was a 15 years ago. And I’m thankful for that in many ways. But I miss parts of that girl. The part that was willing to walk down the street head held high, oblivious to the cat calls of “hey freak.” I miss that confidence. I miss that unshakable sense of self.

And there is no reason I can’t have that part back. It’s still in me, all I have to do is find it…

PS – thanks for the necklace Mom. But more than that, thanks for the reminder.