Monthly Archives: March 2011

Tidbits

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

Additionally, I think that “cunt” is the dirtiest of the swear words and can/should only be used in extreme cases where no other word will suffice. More on this later.

Book Reviews and Such

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I said I was going to make an attempt to keep up on tracking what I’ve read, and what I thought about it. Sorta fell off that wagon the moment I jumped on it.

Anyway, here is what I’ve been reading lately and a breif recap of what I thought. I’m not going to write any synopsis, or go over the plot…that is what book jackets (and google) is for.

Herman Hesse
Steppenwolf and Sidhartha

Cover 150x150 Book Reviews and Such 9780811200684 120x150 Book Reviews and Such

I’m going to be very vague and speak generally about both.  Ultimately, I think both are about the journey of self discovery. The author was very into Eastern theology. That was obvious through both books, though much more obviously in Sidhartha. Each book presented a very different journey, but both had the same goal; to find unity and balance within oneself (they just name that something different in each of the books). The Steppenwolf’s journey was through torment and self doubt while Sidhartha’s was through knowledge, experience and eventually self sacrifice.

Way genaric description of both. But honestly, I think these are the kinds of books you just have to read for yourself. I think each will mean something different to each person that reads them.  Regardless, both are very powerful books. I highly recommend. I do want to add that Steppenwolf is about as uncomfortable to read as a book can be, but totally worth it.

Alice Steinbach
Without Reservations: The Travels of an Independent Women

Without+Reservations+cover1 150x150 Book Reviews and Such

This isn’t really a memoir, and it isn’t really a travel guide. But both of those could be used to describe this book. For me, it was about a woman stepping away from what defines her in her everyday life. Striking out on a journey alone to see who she is without the labels.
 

At a certain point in one’s adult life you look back at who you were and who you are, and you have to wonder how the two will define who you will become. Do we do the things we do because they are expected of us? Is it because it is what is comfortable? Are we just playing roles? I think this book is about the author’s journey to answer those questions. To find out who she is when she is on her own and far from the labels that define her in her day to day life.

This was my second attempt at reading this book. The first time, I couldn’t relate to it at all. This time, it struck something in me and I really enjoyed it. Would I recommend it? Meh, I’m not sure…but I wouldn’t tell anyone NOT to read it.

I Kinda Wish I Worked in a Circus

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Where titles are totally unrelated and I say more than I’m comfortable with…but am saying it anyway.

I’m an anxious kinda girl. For the most part, I’m okay with that.

There are lots of kinds of anxious. One for every emotion I’m capable of having it seems. There is “happy anxious” and “sad anxious” and ” >:{ anxious”. (for those that don’t know me that well, the last one roughly translates to “stab. stab. stab.”) And on most days, that little bit of anxiety hanging on to all my threads doesn’t really bother me. It’s like a low hum in the background. Part of the noise, but not really disruptive in any way.

Background noise.

Except…. (holy crap, I do not like talking about this)

Once a month, every month, since puberty struck, the volume gets turned up on my background noise. The anxiety consumes me like an emotional wrecking ball of hell. I always thought it was just PMS and I was just being much more of a cry baby than most people. I thought it was normal and did everything in my power to ignore it and “just stay positive”. (hahahaha. Like that works. Mostly I just pretended I wasn’t collapsing in on myself in a fit of “whoa is me”)

For three (sometimes 5 – ugh) days a month I feel like an alien enters my body. My thoughts and actions are not my own. Well, they are mine, but it’s like they are being dictated by a 13 year old girl. It’s like I’m watching myself from the sidelines. Rationally thinking through all the overreactions and meltdowns but powerless to stop them. My head can see through the fog, but it can’t seem to reach that part that keeps my emotions connected to rational thought in any way.

A few years ago I finally fessed up to my OB/GYN. She scrunched her eyebrows together and asked me to tell her as much as I could. When I had finished and she had asked a few questions, she told me it was PMDD and that she was switching my birth control. I got all “huh?!” and “isn’t that just PMS”. She said a lot of big words that basically amounted to “No. Not really.” But I was reassured it was pretty common and that the meds should get me back to feeling like myself.

Ah, the magic meds would make it all better. Except they didn’t. They helped. Sort of.

It’s like I became a lot more hurky-jurky with the whole deal. Some months I was okay. Some I was not. And when I wasn’t, I REALLY wasn’t. It seemed like when it was bad, it was worse than it had ever been.  I convinced myself it was all in my head and that knowing about it and thinking about it was the reason it was getting worse.  Le sigh. Like that kinda thinking ever really gets anything fixed (true or not).

So…on to my family doc. She asked the same round of questions my OB/GYN asked. Agreed with the PMDD theory pretty quickly and asked if I was interested in anti-depression medication. It wasn’t that I was adverse to taking it…it was just…well, it seemed silly to take something EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE to fix something that only plagued me a few days a month. Being that she is awesome, she totally understood and just wanted to make sure I knew my options.

She also offered me xanax, but with great caution and warning. It’s addictive. You will develope a tolerence to it. Etc. Etc. Etc. Here is the thing. I DON’T LIKE PILLS. The idea of taking the xanax freaked me the eff out. (for many reasons that I wont get into here) But of the two…at least I could just take it as needed. But because I don’t like taking them, sometimes I don’t even when I obviously need them. (Ever had a real full blown anxiety attack? If so, you know what I mean when I say “NEED” them.) I know this needs to change. If I need them, I should take them and not feel bad about it. At the same time, I don’t want to need them and am trying to find alternatives to lessen (if not eliminate) the necessity.

I hate this about myself. I hate that I have the issue. I hate that I have such aversions to the things that could help me. I hate the way it makes people close to me feel. I hate that it makes me say the word hate so much (something I’m really trying to let go of). Maybe that is part of the problem. The hating it. The trying to deny it’s happening. Maybe if I just learn to embrace it, and be okay with it I will be better able to deal with it.

I think in general, if I eased off myself and just loved myself a bit more a lot of things in life would be easier.

 

 

 

 

 

Movies@Main: Rebel Without A Cause

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March 24, 2011
6:32 pmto8:32 pm

All programs are FREE and open to the public. Parking is free in the High/Market St. deck for those arriving after 6 p.m.

ArtCetera Kick-off Event

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March 11, 2011
5:00 pmto7:00 pm

http://www.downtownakron.com/newsitem/artcetera-kick-off-event-on-friday-march-11

My Sketchbook

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My whole life I have loved to draw. Sometimes more than others…but it’s always been there. The need to put pencil to paper. I don’t do it very often anymore, and most times when I do it feels a little forced. Honestly, right now I can’t remember the last time I opened up my sketchbook to draw. But the desire to do it is as strong as ever.

It’s hard to explain…I want to do it, but once I start I feel like it’s an obligation I’m fulfilling rather than something I’m doing simply because I want to.  I’ve been trying to figure out why this is happening for a while now. Mainly I think it has to do with my own over analytical self telling me I’m not any good…or it’s a waste of time.  That frankly is just stupid. But the insecurity won and  I’d sort of put my sketchbook away along with the thoughts of why things had taken the turn they had. Until a line in the book I’m reading put it back in front of me.

“At such times I reminded myself that life was not a test and no one was grading me. Except my own superego, of course.”

I think I have a tendency to get in my own way a lot. I need to take a step back. Be a bit nicer to myself and not give so much power and authority over my life to my stupid insecurities.  If I’m doing something simply because I enjoy doing it, who gives a shit if I’m any good at it. The point isn’t to be good or bad, it’s just to be happy.

On that note. I picked up my sketchbook again…and plan on spending some time with it. As much or as little as I want. And only because I want to.

The following are the last entries in it. None of them are new…just seeing where I left off. Hopefully there is a lot more to come.

 

Fall Fashion 2011

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It’s fashion season again (actually I think we are nearing the end of it, but whatev).

The big one…Fall fashion. And the most noteworthy thing to come out of this years fiesta was Galliano getting the boot from Dior for saying he loves Hitler. Seriously, what an assbag. Talent is not an excuse to be an asshole. Speaking of, Gaga walked the Catwalk at Thierry Mugler. Her song debuting at the show (Govt. Hooker) and the clothes where both forgettable. The stage itself was fun though.

New York, Milan, Paris…etc. They all came and went (or are going). While I’ve poked around a bit and looked at a few shows here and there, I haven’t really spent much time with any of it this year. I think it has to do with the fact that most of the shows were pretty blah. Nothing was really standing out to me. Each one just sorta ran into the other. Some were bright, some lacy and some racy. But nothing really made me drool. Then again, it’s been a rough winter, so it’s entirely possible that it’s me and I’m just not that into the fashion thing right now.

I did find one show that got my attention just based on the clothes.AnnDemeulemeester 214x300 Fall Fashion 2011

 

 

Ann Demeulemeester went all sorts of savage this year. She always does, but this season seemed special somehow. Maybe it was the deconstructed corset looks, or the glammed up chewbaca-esque coats. The raven feathers definitely added to the  “Imma tear your face off” feeling stalking those runways. It was almost all black and very glossy. The few pops of color sprinkled in kept the whole thing from becoming tragically goth.

Maybe I just love it because it looks like pieced together leftovers from the Edward Scissorhands costumes. But you know, fancier.

Or maybe I just liked it because there was no illusion netting. That shit seemed to pop up EVERY.FUCKING.WHERE this year. I know there are a lot of women that love it and say it makes them feel sexy or whatever. It’s just not my thing. Pantyhose clothing, no thanks.

Also, glittery shoes would look awesome with those fur coats.

 

 

FREE admission to the Akron Art Museum

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March 6, 2011

The first Sunday of each month there is not fee to roam the halls of the Akron Art Museum. AND there is free parking in the deck just accross the street.

quiz**

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The following short quiz consists of 4 questions. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Many preschoolers got correct answers. Most adults got them all wrong.

**I have ZERO idea where this came from originally. I’m doing a bit of house cleaning on the old wordpress front and found this in a pile of discarded drafts of posts.

Today, it made me laugh.

The Time I Almost Joined a Cult

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True story.

It was a few years ago. Two, I think. But don’t quote me, it could just as easily have been four. Cults are funny that way.

I’ve always been fascinated with Buddhism. Not so much as  a religion, but a philosophy and general way of life. (Turns out pretty much all religions work this way for me, good in theory only) So the idea of yoga and meditation really appealed to me.

The yoga part was easy enough. Well, acquiring the “stuff” and attempting it was easy. But the best part of yoga is no one is going to yell at you for not being any good at it. You just do the best you can and say sorry when your “tree” falls down on someone elses’.

The meditation part….well, I figured I was raised Catholic and how different could meditation be to prayer? Turns out, very different. Like whoa different. With prayer you can get to a point that the words come while your head goes any place it likes. You know, like saying the pledge of allegiance while thinking about the cute boy you sit next to in 5th period. You can say one prayer while all you’re really thinking is “please god, let me win the lottery.” I came to discover the opposite is required with meditation.

Meditation is more about letting go of ALL thoughts. Learning to “calm your inner world.” Or something close to that anyway. Calming my “inner world” and letting go of thoughts and distractions came about as easy for me as advanced theoretical mathematics (i.e. – huh?!). So I did the only thing a girl with a healthy sense of curiosity and zero common sense does; I got on-line, found a “group” practicing zen meditation and asked if I could crash.

They enthusiastically said yes, told me they have a vegan brunch after the meditation and promptly emailed directions to me. I didn’t get nervous till I drove to the address and realized I just showed up at a strangers house wearing my pj’s and carrying a blanket. It was like the 3rd grade sleep-over at a friend of a friends all over again. I was afraid. I was very afraid. What if they were creeps, or mean, or laughed at me for doing it wrong.

Or worse….

At the same time, I just drove more than an hour to learn how to shut the eff up, I wasn’t just going to run away. Not without ringing the doorbell anyway.

Turns out the “guru” was having car trouble and wasn’t going to make it to the session. Yes, seriously. Guru’s have car trouble. Who knew?! Anyway, I was still invited to participate even though there was no one there to “guide” me. At this point part of me was relieved as I had convinced myself the “guru” would have forced me to take payoute and search my soul for my inner Jim Morrison – the place had that kinda vibe. I agreed to stay and was then bombarded with each members ideas of what meditation is and what I should get out of it, etc.

I must have looked shell shocked cause the room got all quiet and one of them pointed to the basement stairs saying it was time to get started. Not something a girl wearing pj’s in a strangers house wants to hear. But I didn’t object. They all picked up their little meditation benches and went down to the partially finished, yet totally creepy basement. I followed, reluctantly,  blanket in hand and was told to sit in the chair facing the corner. Supposedly that position would make it “easier” for me. Shrug. What was I gonna do, say no?!

A bell was rang….and that was pretty much it.

I sat in my corner for somewhere between 30 minutes and 3 hours praying (I know, ironic right?!) that I would get outta there without either A) dying or B) seriously insulting the cult by sneezing, yawning or letting the eff word slip during quiet time.

Right about the time I lost all feeling in my left buttock the bell rang again and people started shuffling up off the ground. We went upstairs where a table had been set up with your standard fare of vegan food. The group began to chatter and I offered up many “thanks” and “that was so amazing” all while thinking “I need a cigarette and a shot of something that will kill whatever I mighta breathed in accidentally” and “eat faster fuckers, I want outta here”.

Then I left. And laughed at myself the whole ride home. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.

The moral of this story: Guru’s have car trouble just like everyone else.

But I am looking into meditation again and was reminded of this, one of the weirdest days of my life.

Also, anyone got any recommendations on some non-creepy meditation centers in the NEO area?

Namaste